The Young Ones

From ARFOPEDIA

CULT Light Entertainment series, which only needed 12 episodes to show how fffffffffffb it was.

Contents 1 Demolition 2 Oil 3 Boring 4 Bomb 5 Interesting 6 Flood 7 Bambi 8 Cash 9 Nasty 10 Time 11 Sick 12 Summer Holiday

[edit] Demolition

• "I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free! Right on!"
• "Neil! / What are you doing, Neil? / To make a meal, Neil? / Surreal! From totalitarian vegetables! / How much does it cost, Neil?"
• "Oh, far out. Really great. WOODSTOCK."
• "Hey, everybody! Hello, Mike, my little Thunderbird puppet! Thunderbirds are go, yes? Come on, let's twist again! Like we did in last Summer, yeah, yeah, yeah... let's twist again, like we didn't do in Moscow because I've never been there of course, you know, I am English person! Hi I am Jerzy, yeah, crazy wacky landlord! You know, I like very much your English punk rock stars, you know, your Lulu, your Dave Clark Five! Oh yes! I think they are F-A-B, that's English for "stupid!", yeah! Okay, fantastic! Hey, Mikey, look! Here, I have some Coca-Cola, yes? We have party, yes? Okay, let's dance, let's do the fog! You know, I am liking very much your Harold MacMillan; thanks to him, I am never having it, yeah!"
• "I'm not really foreign, you know. I just do it to appear more sophisticated! I mean, nobody'd buy Evian water if it was called Blackburn water, would they? Nobody'd wear Kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe! Abba? Abba, Swedish? I knew then when they were a Lancashire clog-dancing trio! Arthur, Betty, Boris and Angela! Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn--a former pipe-fitter welder from Harrogate! Back to the acting."
• "That's all very well! But finally, after years of stagnation, the TV people have woken up to the need for locally-based minority programs! Made by amateurs! And perhaps of interest only to two or three people! It's important, right? It's now! And I want to watch!"
• "Hi! My name's Baz! And me and my mates thought that TV just wasn't now! Right? I expect, like us, you're not into all that stuff your "old man's" into! Right! So! We just thought we'd have a program for us! Right! And this is it! Nozin' Around! Yeah, N-O-Zed! Zed for Zap! It's a program for YANG ADULTS, made by YANG ADULTS, and concentratin' on all the subjects that YANG ADULTS are into! Like, unemployment! Maggie!"
• "I'm sixteen, I'm old enough to marry and have children, but I can't drink in pubs. When will the government wake up and realize that young adults are mature and responsible people?"
• "I'm sixteen, right? I can join the Army, the Air Force and the Navy... but I can't drink in pubs. When will the government, right, realize that young adults have a valued contribution to give to society?"
• "A lot of people say that young adults are violent, right? But how would you feel if you were old enough to have... intercourse with the partner of your choice... and yet you could not drink in pubs?"
• "Some of these bricks explode! That's good, innit?"
• "Yeah but I really think I should lay this one on you, man, that's a really negative way to kill yourself, you know, like, I've tried it, hundreds of times. There's no way you can hammer in the last nail."
• "Oh wow, I really hope we don't have a crash!"

[edit] Oil

• "Neil! your bedroom's on fire!"
• "Saturday night / Hanging round for a bite / Find a real cutie with the dust mite blues / Hangnail, high tail, fairy tale, very well / Finding anything that I can chew / Coo coo daddy longlegs / Rough it up, rough it up, oh oh oh oh / Rain fly pie with a mosquito side salad / 23 years on a meat-free diet / Beetles, crickets, gonna get you sick / It's here's a little sucker and you ought to try it / Coo coo, daddy longlegs / Hope it makes more money than "Peggy Sue"-ue / Ha ha ha ha ooooh"
• "It's amazing what you can come up with with just flour and water."
  • "Yeah. Glue."
• "Look, there's a sign in that little white dot. It means something really heavy. It means, there's no more telly. Time to go to bed. I'm going upstairs now to finish painting my astrological star chart, all right?"
• "Shhhh! Don't say that about the Arabs, Mike. You'll get us all into terrible trouble."
  • "Your magnificence! The British Foreign Secretary has arrived to apologize for recent press criticism, in which they alleged mandatory cruelty."
  • "I will see him now."
  • "Which bit of him would you like to see first?"
• "VIVA EL PRESIDENTE!"
• "Hah! Missed both my legs!"
• "Hello, are you the Czar?! Yes, I am, actually. Bam bam! Tough luck, fascist!! That's what happens to people who aren't working class!"
• "This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?"
• "By the way, it was a complete lie about the oil."

[edit] Boring

• "It's quite easy really. All you gotta do is match up six pictures of famous noses with six pictures of famous bogies. Thought that'd shock you. Well, it's not true, because then, then you gotta say in ten words "what cornflakes mean to you". So I put: 'Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes... cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes'."
• "Guys! Guys! Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering! Like children! What's happening to us? We never used to be like this!"
• "Hey, wouldn't it be a-mazing if all of this money was real?"
• "You have won second prize in a beauty contest... ...smash Rick over the head with the bank!"
• "You're a spade. I always call him that."
• "Big jobs!"
• "Sure, dey never read de letters anyway."
• "Well at least you're in wiv a chance, I mean, someone might say, "Shall we go to the theatre, OR GO to cinema?" Or they might say, "Shall we go shopping, OR GO--" brbrbrbrbrbrb! But no one ever says my name. No one ever says Ftumch. Why couldn't I be called William?"
• "I've not always been mad, you know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners. You see, I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is, there's terrible noise problems, 'cause there's no noise insulation at all, you know, and eight floors below you, there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, you know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this "DOOT DOOT! TCH-TCH, DOOT DOOT! TCH-TCH, ROLL-OUT-THE-BARRELS! DOOT-DOOT, TCH-TCH, DOOT DOOT, TCH-TCH" And like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing, you know, I listen. And all I can hear is this weird noise that goes, "Whoom whoom! Blam blam! Whoom whoom! Blam blam!" It sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him's this seal going, "What is it now, Ralph?" I dunno, it's just something cracked inside, and I started thinking I was a piece of sponge. I just started to get very depressed, I just can't hold it down..."
• "A man, believed to be a lunatic foreign terrorist, one of those greaseball raving reds who seem to crop up everywhere since we stopped running the world, is now taking refuge in an insanitary slum dwelling in North London, the sort of place where you normally get squatters anyway. A police and army siege is now underway."
• "Well, that looks like it. We're sorry not to bring you "The Bastard Squad", but at least we got the mad coon with the gun, eh?"
• "Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil... ...and that's a complete bastard I know called Rick"
• "Ho ho ho. Hahahahaha. Well, Mr. Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number. You're nicked. Ho ho ho, oh dear me. Don't we talk lovely, Mr. Rastus Chocolate Drop. Now listen here, son. I've done a weekend's training with the S.A.S. I could pull both your arms off and leave no trace of violence. Lord Scarman need never know. That's white man's electricity you're burnin', ringin' that bell. That's theft. I've got your number, so hold out your hands. Oh. Sorry, John. I thought you was a nigger. Now, Sir, carry on."

[edit] Bomb

• "Pollution! All around! Sometimes up! Sometimes down! But always... around! Pollution, are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours? Ha! We're on different buses, pollution! But we're both using petrol! ...Bombs!"
• "Lucky I didn't sleep through the alarm or we'd have missed half the day"
• " Yeah! I have the same problem with fleas. You see, without my spectacles, fleas and bits are almost identical. Not that a flea is going to be wearing my spectacles."
• "If you wanted to talk about it, you should have said that you wanted to let off steam. Sorry."
• "I wish I'd had time for a crap before we started!"
• "That's the most pathetic excuse I've eve... WOOD AND WALTERS!"
• "Oh, no. It's the holocaust!"
• "But that makes me a criminal! Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me a president! 'People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!' This is only the beginning!"
• "Right, where's this telly. Ah-hah! So you do have it! You little runt! The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you!"
  • "It's a toaster."
• "I'm going upstairs to get in incredibly helpful and informative "Protect and Survive" manual! Nobody better touch this while I'm gone!"
• "Neil, can you lend me...What are you doing?"
  • "Oh, painting myself white to deflect the blast!"
  • "Thats great, isn't it, Racial discrimination, even in death! What are these?"

[edit] Interesting

• "Yer, but apparently... he doesn't like any of them"
• "You've destroyed a large section of the floor"
• "Neil, my barely adequate psychic defences are crumbling."
• The BBC would like to warn all small children that pushing people inside old fridges is a bloody stupid thing to do.
• "Repent, repent. Everyone repent. Accept Jesus. I don't mean everyone except Jesus repent. I mean accept Jesus into your life."
• "Microchip technology - that's quite a new thing, isn't it?"
• "Fancy a game of Travel Scrabble?"
• "Do you want to see how many press-ups I can do?"
• "Ha ha ha. He's incredible. I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television, and it was a programme we wanted to watch, you know, and then we were just watching it, and right in the middle of it, I just got up and turned it off. Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or something. You know, last Wednesday we stayed up until one o'clock in the morning!"
• "Oh what a great bag! Oh, it's really great, isn't it? In here, are they? Oh, it's tinted - amazing! You've bought me a present. What is it? What do you do with it? No, don't tell me, don't tell me. I'll guess. It's a telescope - a telescope with a mouse in it - brilliant! Bouncy bouncy bouncy bounce! Hello Rhiannon. Are you glad you could come to the party? Here, have a drink, mousy. Bouncy bouncy bounce! Oh, it's gone all big. I'll get a tissue, it's all right. Oh, you've got a whole box of them in here! They're called... I think I'd better go to the lavatory."
• "Cryogenics - nice one, man! Lets see if it really works!"
• "I'm not really asking. I'm using it as a sort of general term of abuse, you see. "
• "So, would you like me to put my hand down the front of your dress?"
• "Had this friend, right, and he killed himself for the insurance money."
  • "How much did he make?"
  • "Nothing - only third party."
• "It's you and me against the world, mate, eh, all right? We'll get them, mate yer. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here - I'll tell you something, right, I'll tell you something. Between you and me, I think I'm gonna be sick."

[edit] Flood

• "Being Scottish and Jewish: two racial stereotypes for the price of one! Perhaps the best value in the graveyard this morning. Perhaps not. Incidentally, just let me say how pleased I am to be here in the gr aveyard, where so many other comedians have died before me. And why not?"
• "Marrow... Meringue... Boomerang... Long blue boomerang..."
• "It's called, 'SS Death Camp Criminal Battalion go to Monte Casino for the Massacre'."
• "It's only spitting!"
• "You gay, black bastards! We're going to victimise you!"
• "What do you think you're doing, pig? Do you really give a fig, pig? And what's your favourite sort of gig, pig? Barry Manilow? Or the Black and White Minstrel Show?"
• "Do you know what my favourite vegetable are, eh? PEAS! 5p! 10p! 50p! My wife, she's a terrible cook, though, but she would be, she's dead! I was having a meal with her the other night, right, and...what?"
• "This may sound like a stupid question: Lip nip nip nip bip?"
• "It's pissing down now!"
• "OKAY, THAT'S JUST ABOUT THE BLOODY LIMIT! It's...I mean I only put it in there on Wednesday, you know! It's not as if they grow on trees or anything like that!"
  • "Rick, what have you lost?"
  • "I had half an apple in there. Alright, own up, who's taken it?"
• "I've never seen rain like this."
• "That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes, tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms without any electricity!"
• "That's just the most completely brilliant thing I've ever seen...A flying shark!"
• "That's just typical of you, Vyvyan! The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do, build a submarine!"
• "Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other. Like those sailors did in that movie, um, 'We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other.'"
• "'Scaredy cat, scaredy cat! Sitting on the doormat! All the little doggie-wogs... ...will have a little bit of it.'"
• "Well, we're halfway through the show, and it's time for a half time report. I think the show has been going particularly well. I particularly like how the young lad, Rick, has been going off the joke into the dead laugh area... ...Well, we're halfway through the show, and it's time for a half time report. I think the show has been going particularly well. I particularly like how the young lad, Rick, has been going off the joke into the dead laugh area... ...Oh, sorry, Paul. Anyway, the half times over now and it's back to the action."
• "Oh, not that speaker! Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that!"
• "Hey, wow! Guys, come and look! The house has grown!"

[edit] Bambi

• "Answer the phone, Neil!"
• "Oh...Floppy disks! Anyway, look, never mind that..."
  • "What do you mean, "never mind"? What do you mean, "never mind"? That might have been a very important call, Neil. You're a complete teacup, aren't you?"
• "No, no, Neil, you listen! I've been waiting here half an hour, half a bloody hour, Neil, being hungry, waiting for my tea, and listening to that bogey-bum!"
  • "Oh, that's my fault, is it? Oh yeah, it's always my fault. Why don't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?"
  • "Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking, I look after the plants and goldfish."
  • "Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?"
  • "Eh...Sausages. It was a Tuesday."
  • "Yeah, sausages, and..."
  • "Sausages and plants and goldfish. Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours."
• "Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme-...What do you mean, 'yes'?"
• "Hands up, who likes me!"
• "Uh, Vyv, do you reckon you can kill yourself with laxatives?"
• DUH-DUH DUH-DUH
  • "Don't look at me, I'm irrelevant."
• "Well, I'd best conceal this sticky bun by placing it precariously on the edge of this box."
• "You unfeeling bastard, sir!"
• "I hope you're satisfied, Doctor Neil Goebbels!
• "Wow, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette."
  • "Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
  • "Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. I'm just not feeling myself today."
  • "Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!"
  • "Shut up or I'll kill you!"
  • "Okay, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!"
  • "Right. And take that stupid, girly bonnet off!"
  • "Right, let's go."
  • BOING
• "This calls for a special blend, of psychology and extreme violence"
• "Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread... after... God, I know this... don't tell me... after 1172."
• "You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you've done loads and loads of work for this, just because you're a creepy little swot you've done about 15 million tons of work for this, like a girl, and I'm so hard and street and cool that I've done absolutely bugger all, and you've done loads, look at it, loads and loads, loads and loads..."
  • "Stop it, Rick! It's only University Challenge, Rick, it's only University Challenge!"
  • "..loads and loads, loads and loads..."
• "Six-hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, USA"
• "The World's Stupidest Bottom-Burp: Vyvyan, Britain!"
  • "It says Rick here"
• "If British Rail want fifty pounds they can blimmin' well go out and become a prostitute. Which they virtually are, anyway, come to think of it. [to camera] Right, commuters?"
• "That's a Zapata moustache, ennit? He's Mexican, wasn't he, eh? Funny, really, you know, Zapata. He starts out as a peasant revolutionary, and ends up as a kind of moustache. Che Guevara, he's another one. South American revolutionary , ends up as a sort of boutique. Garibaldi, Italian revolutionary, ends up as a kind of biscuit. It's quite interesting, you know, the number of biscuits that are named after revolutionaries. You've got your Garibaldi, of course, you've got your Bourbons, then of course you've got your Peek Frean Trotsky Assortment.
  

"Revolutionary biscuits of Italy / Rise up out of your box! / You have nothing to lose but your wafers / Yum yum yum yum yum!"

• "Rah rah rah, we're going to smash the oiks!"
• "We did get a message, yes...'Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral e xistence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear.'"
• "Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret."
  • "Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?"
  • "Ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's a pig."
  • (Speech bubble from pig) "That's nothing. Someone called me a policeman the other day."
• "Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face."
  • "That wasn't in 'Bambi', Vyvyan!"
  • "It was in the sequel, Neil. 'Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex'."
• "No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on."
• "Scumbag, Vyvyan."
  • "What?"
• "Achtung!"
• "Rick! Britain!"

[edit] Cash

• "It means we've got a poltergoost!"
• "I've just nailed my legs to the table"
• "Codpiece face"
  • "What did you say?"
  • "I said Codpiece face"
  • "What did you say?"
  • "I said Codpiece face"
• "Think once! Think twice! Think DON'T DRIVE YOUR CAR ON THE PAVEMENT!"
• "Darling fascist bully-boy... Give me some more money... You bastard... May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman... Neil."
• "House meeting! House meeting"
• "I AM NOT GETTING AGGRESSIVE!"
• "JOIN THE PROFESHIONELS, IT'S GREAT! YOU CAN HAVE A GUN IF YOU WANT!"
• "Oh, for sure you are, for sure. Eh, there's only one thing you need to know to be a policeman, you know? Really. One thing you have to do, you have to be able to go 'KKKKKKHHHHHHHHH'"
• "And, em, there was this girl, right, and she comes up to me, and she goes,Ere! Are you Mussolini?" I said, 'Emmm...Yeah.' She says, 'I thought you was dead.' I says, 'No, it was just me day off, you know.' So she pulled me over the dance floor and butted me in the face! I said, 'What's that for?' She said, 'That's for the invasion of Crete!'"
• "No, I was wondering if you'd thought of a name... for your baby yet"
  • "Shut up or Piss Off!"
• "Open up, it's the pigs!"
• "You're on my manor and I've tumbled your game!"

[edit] Nasty

• "'Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and everything, but still, things could have been worse. You could have been me and ended up having a really bad time all of the time, signed, Neil'".
• "He doesn't eat carrots, Neil! He sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls. Wait a minute! We've missed the grave."
• "Do you dig graves?"
  • "Yeah, yeah they're all right, yeah."
• "Yeah, we dig the graves around here, right! If any graves dug on these premises, they get dug by.... What's this camera? Is this Game For A Laugh?"
  • "Have you killed someone as a prank?"
• "Neil! The bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta"
• "Ooh, have we got a video?"
• "You're messing with the big boys now"
• "This is actually very serious..."
• "YES, WE'VE GOT A VID-E-O"

[edit] Time

• "SHUT UP YOU BASTARDS"
• "VIRGIN!"

[edit] Sick

• "No, Neil, it's Madness this week"
• "Are you being sarcarstic? I don't like people being sarcarstic. Like this one time this bloke says to me nice day. But it wasn't, right. So real casual like, I bit his head off"

[edit] Summer Holiday

• "I never knew I wore a wig!"