The Laws of Football
From ARFOPEDIA
The laws governing the game of football are relatively straight-forward and are generally well-understood by learned followers of the game. Professional commentators and analysts, on the other hand, regularly display an astounding ignorance of these and will frequently refer to laws, and quote phrases relating to laws, that simply do not exist. They will usually reinforce these displays of ignorance with the accompanying phrase "by the letter of the law", often inducing acts of extreme violence in the more intelligent viewer. To cause maximum fury they may also precede their discussion of a phantom rule with "now I hate to see players sent-off BUT", a discussion that will usually consist of our expert whining at length about a player not being sent-off for a blatant infringement of said rule. This phenomenon is said to be responsible for up to 76 murders and over 62,000 acts of remote-control destruction per year in the UK alone. The following glossary is intended to alert the casual fan to the most common examples of cluelessness.
[edit] Oft-cited laws, and phrases relating to laws, that don't actually exist
- Last man. Sample comment: "Now I don't like to see players sent off, but by the letter of the law he's the last man so he has to go." I swear to god I'm frothing at the mouth just typing this shit and picturing Jamie Redknapp's face.
- The Raising of Hands. Sample comment: "Now I don't like to see players sent off, but he's raised his hands and by the letter of the law the referee has got to send him off."
- Daylight. Sample comment: "Heh Mark, surely the, heh, daylight ruling we were all told about 4 years ago means that was onside."
- Handball: hands above waist height. Sample comment: "Well Martin, I've always said that if you've got your hands above waist height then you've given the referee the right to give a penalty."
- The new offside rule, particularly when combined with a straight-forward correct decision by a referee. Sample comments: "I don't know, is that offside any more with these new offside rules?". "Well Martin... [annoying chuckle]... can you explain that one to me... [annoying chuckle]... how is that not offside?" "Now then... was there daylight?"
- Goalkeepers committing handball outside the area. Despite the fact that these offences are often of minimal significance in the game, and that an outfield player comitting a similar offence would merely have his hair cheekily ruffled by the ref, should a goalkeeper dare touch the ball with his hands a few centimetres outside of his area, he is immediately sent off, if not banned for life. These incidents are often accompanied by fans, managers and commentators displaying the kind of fury usually reserved for watching your entire family being savaged by wolves or Ter. Sample comments: "Well, Martin, now he's definitely handled it, but was it inside or outside the area? Looks like it's outside to me. Well, Martin, I hate seeing goalkeepers get sent off, but by the letter of the law, he has to go."
