Ray Parlour

From ARFOPEDIA

Ugly gardener famous for having tits like two puppies fighting in a sack.

Probably the least prolific goalscorer in football history to have scored 2 hat tricks.

Never ever got a noticable hair cut despite making his senior debut with shoulder length hair and ending up with it cropped short. It has seemingly shrunk gradually over the course of his career.

"Short back and sides please Eileen"