Playground Football
From ARFOPEDIA
Essentially the greatest and most pure form of football known to man, the mere mention of playground football is enough to make any heterosexual male literally EXPLODE with nostalgia.
Contents |
[edit] Different forms of Playground Football
Regular Football
The bread and butter of the schoolyard, essentially your classic everyday normal game of football. Teams can be picked a number of ways, the classic method being two nominated captains picking players in turn until only the fat kids remain. Once teams are picked the game kicks off and every boy in the school starts running after the ball at the same time. except the goalscroungers.
The winner can be determined a number of ways. Either the team leading on aggregate after the 3 sessions of play in a schoolday (or 2 sessions if your school isn't a fucking holiday camp) (or 4 sessions if you are so arrogantly committed that you play before and after school), each session counting as one match or the perennial favourite next goal the winner (or next goal wins for short) rule, whereby the team who scores the last goal before the bell is declared the winner no matter what the score happened to be.
Occasionally played with a tennis ball if your headmaster happened to be a Nazi, but most usually played with a leather football (or "casey") no bigger than size 3.
Things to look out for:
Teachers, Deputy Headmasters or the dreaded Headmaster yelling at you to come in (and being ignored).
People being pussies and leaving early, causing your bag/jacket goalposts to dissapear.
Wembley
Knockout game played either every man for himself or in pairs, with one Goalkeeper. Players try to score set amount of goals to go through to the next round (general rules would see one goal needed for the first 1 or 2 rounds and then gradually rising depending on how many rounds there were). Last person remaining at the end of each round would be eliminated from the competition until only one man/team was left. Winner picks the next goalie usually.
The Laws of Wembley
- Handball - penalised by penalties for everyone else
- Fouls - penalised by penalty to fouled player
- Goal Poaching - Scottish rule to couteract goalhanging (see Wembley do's). If, in the unbiased opinion of the goalkeeper (also acting as referee) or hard kid who's not in this round, you are goalhanging or waiting to claim a nonchalant tap in, penalties are awarded to everyone else. This rule was trialed in the Scottish League in 1974 as the amount of unqualified players claiming arrogance or nonchalance from goalhanging became a massive problem in the game. The rule was adopted across the world during the years 1975-1978, the last country to adopt it being East Germany. It has not however been adopted in several nations, such as England, Wales and Papua New Guinea
- Deflections - goals are given to the last player to touch the ball, excepting the goalkeeper.
[edit] Wembley do's
Conserve energy in the first few rounds by arrogantly standing near the goalkeeper waiting for ricochets to conveniently drop at your feet. Claim ANY goal as having touched you before it went in, no matter how far away you were at the time - remember, it's your goal even if it brushes your lace.
[edit] Wembley dont's
Waste time actually dribbling and tackling and running until you're down to the last 3 or 4 players.
Volunteer to go in goal
[edit] Wembley features
- The David & Goliath struggle between fit, Good Player and Fat Kid. Good Player will have played out of his skin for the preceeding half an hour of Round 1/2/3 (depending on the size of tournament) but will have failed to score. Fat Kid will dispossess Good Player in a jammy, nonchalant manner and score to go through. Every time. Form will not carry through to the latter stages.
- The fight that erupts whenever a non-Good Player gets a touch/deflection on a Good Player/Hard Kid's fine, 12 yard dig. Matters are usually settled with a penalty to non-Good Player, which will be missed. non-Good Player will score a similar goal off someone else's dig, someone who's neither a GOod Player or Hard Kid. This deflected goal will stand.
- "Penalties!" Given any time the ball goes within five yards of another player's outstretched hand. Often accompanied by several minutes of excessive gestures and shouting; even a wop would say it's excessive. Often, Sly Player will score a legit goal at this point and be bullied for the remainder of his time in the tournament, or until he storms off in a huff, whichever comes first.
- "Just Play It On" Catchphrase of lazy goalkeepers. Uttered whenever the ball crosses the goal line for what would normally be a goal kick, or goes too far off to the side. Normally these scenarios would see the ball returned to the keeper for a restart, but it's blatantly obvious what would happen, it being the goalkeeper's ball. Usually results in ice hockeyesque "Round The Back" attempts on goal, and subsequent moaning. A good, intelligent keeper will stay vocal after claiming a Play On, and warn players when he's likely to call a halt to proceedings for excessive piss taking.
3 pods and you're in
(aka: 3-and-in for short)
Essentially what you play instead of cuppies when there's not many of you playing. Every man for himself, the game is over once someone has scored 3 goals. The game then starts again with the winner of previous competition taking his turn in goal, which is basically the worst prize ever.
Beware of :
Goalkeepers deliberately letting weak shots in in order to hasten his exit from the goalmouth.
Slam
(aka: Wally, Rebound,Wall Ball)
(not aka: Spot)
Players take it in turns to hit a ball at a wall (or barely springy wire fence), with the extra aim of making the ball rebound off the wall (OR FENCE) in a fashion that made it difficult for the next player to hit the wall (OR FENCE) with his go. Miss the wall (OR FENCE) and you lose a life, lose all four lives and you're out once again the last man standing at the end is declared the winner. The loss of the first life is marked by shouting "ESS", the second by shouting "ESS PEE", the third by shouting "ESS PEE OH" and the last by shouting "SPOT".
Tip: Aim to hit it at an incredibly sharp angle and send the next guy 50 miles away.
Headers and Volleys
(aka: Specials)
Possibly the most satisfying of all individual games to win, the rules of headers and volleys are simple. Everyone starts with a pretermined amount of points, the player starting in goal typically given one or more point more than the others. Players chip and cross the ball to each other, the aim being to score with either a header or a volley. If you score with either you gain a point, if you miss the goal with an attempt or, in some games, even just have your shot saved by the keeper you then have to take a turn in goal until someone else misses. Every goal you concede takes a point off your score, once again the game proceeds til only one person has points left.
Not Allowed:
Scoring from your own set-up, scoring direct from a goalkeepers clearance.
Header and Volley Legends: Mike Doveton, Mark "Sparky" Hughes
Crossy
Similar to Headers & Volleys, but with its own set of required skills. One goalkeeper plays against a number of outfield players, who attempt to rack up as many goals as possible without hitting the ball wide. Goals may only be scored by a first-time header or a volley, with the additional rule of headers only in the six yard box. Crossy is typically played in three variants - Whoever hits it wide goes in goal, Play up to a predetermined number of goals then last bye is in (which leads to the tricky scenario of a defender coming in to play) and Play up to a predetermined number of byes then last bye is in (leads to longer games and increasing risk of goalie huff.)
Allowed:
Keepy-uppies to set yourself up, as long the set up is not deliberate or from yourself
Scoring from a goalkeepers clearance ("Keeper's Gift") unless the outfield players agree to waive this
Not Allowed:
Flicking the ball up for someone anywhere within about 25 yards from goal
Pass & Shoot
Almost identical to the above, with the "on the volley restriction" lifted. Used by shite players and younger children. Rules exactly the same. Can provide for spectacular free kicks from older players.
Two Hits
(aka: Hits, Three Hits etc)
- Always played in an enclosed space, if possible
One on One variant which draws parallels with Volleyball. The smaller pitch is divided into two clearly marked (by a drainpipe or piece of handily placed architecture) halves, with each player restricted to only touching the ball in their own half, and only being allowed two (or however many, but three is blatantly Too Many and for fags) consecutive touches of the ball. First to a set score wins, penalties given for all violations
Allowed:
Skelping the ball off your opponent when they've just missed a penalty, in order to win one for yourself
Handling the ball around your own goal
Jumping into the opposition half without touching the ball to put them off
Slowly rolling the ball up to half way to blast it from the minimum legal distance
Not Allowed:
Taking the piss with the lax handball rules
Skelping after a penalty has been scored - after a goal, positions are reset and the traditional "Wisnae Ready" rules apply.
Squares
- Always played in a culdesac if at all possible
Four people play in this, or possibley six if you're cool like me and have lots of friends to spare. The standard set up is each player occupies one 'square' on the road. Each player is given five lives, you lose a life every time the ball bounces twice in your square. When you've no lives left you're eliminated, the last man standing is, of course, declared the winner. When the ball goes out the game is retarted by a throw rather than a kick, the player who gets the ball thrown at them cannot lose a life from the throw and it's his job to kick the ball and for the game to restart.
Benefits of playing squares include
- No goalkeeper needed
- The propsect of being run over if not played in a not very busy estate. The shout of "Car" would be made if one was approaching and all players would leave the road in NEGATIVE time
- The buzz off the ball curling towards the window of the neighbours car before JUST missing every time simply could not be topped.
Curbs
Too shit to really warrent an explanation.
Hahahaha what a gay game.
Crossbar
Played when theres only two of you for whatever reason, most likely due to other people going for their tea(fucking posh cunts having set meal times :rolleyes: oooow all sitting round the dining room table, la-di-da. just have a penguin bar and some spaghetti hoops ffs :rolleyes:), or the people you're playing with being afraid of a bit of spitting rain. fucking wimps.
Aim is of course to hit the crossbar, but rules vary as to whever you get closer once you hit the crossbar, and go back to normal starting positions once you miss, or you just take them from the same spot every time. getting closer can be seen as less advantageous, unless you have the ability of the scoop shot(very popular crica Poborsky euro96) so the choice is down to the individual.
Often spontaneous games of solo crossbar can erupt during other versions for playground football, this noramlly comes about when one player has to go collect the ball from behind the goal and while kicking it back into play, inadvertantly hits the crossbar. Said individual is then urged to try to do it again causing much hilarity if he succeeds. My record was 5 times --Nufc16 18:34, 3 April 2007 (BST)
Arguments
Arguments normally arise about the distance from the crossbar for each player on either side, which can be hard to judge given that one side normally has the box markings and the other you just have to judge yourself, thus the wrongsided player always has the advantage and will normally try and get the ball closer.
Also, what if the ball just clips the crossbar and goes behind to the other player, does that count?
Scoring
Normally first to 10, but can of course be any number, depending on how long you expect said other players to be away having their tea. Or ofc can be extended exponentially if the opposing player is deemed of lesser skill and has just fluked his way to ten first("did i say first to ten? sorry meant first to 15"). Special double or triple points are awarded for any player willing to risk his chance on a really long shot.
[edit] Goalkeeping Laws
In regular football games there are essentially 3 types of goalkeeping method, the method in any game to be determined before the start of play. heres a brief explanation of them.
Stick Goalie - Needs little explanation. Basically your everyday goalkeeper who stays in his goal for the duration of the game. (Scotland variation: Fully, with the 'u' pronounced 'uh').
Fly (or Russian) Goalie - Allows the keeper to act as an outfield player whenever he sees fit, usually used when no fat kids or proper goalies are present and no-one fancies going between the sticks. Has the drawback of regularly leading to comedy goals from the halfway line (Wales & Midlands (AND SUSSEX!) variation: Rush Goalie).
Scramble Goalie - Usually used as a way of making things even when one team has more players than the other, scramble goalie follows the same principle as fly goalie of allowing keepers to play as outfield players, with the added advantage of allowing anyone to take over in goal at a moments notice, providing he clearly shouts "SCRAMBLE GOALIE" first.
Any Man Safe aka Last Man Back- (Scotland only) Same as Scramble Goalie, but without the childish shouting. Leads to huge slip cordons at corners and synchronised mad flapping. Causes people called John McEmerson to get sent off at school football trials in a rather amusing manner.
[edit] Glossary
Glorywank - Taunt to be used when a player tries to either take on 12 men himself or shoot from the halfway line.
Goalscrounger aka Goalhanger or Goalmonger - Heroically unselfish player who bravely volunteers to just stand by the opposition goal all game ready to take the glory at a moments notice by prodding home a bobbly tap-in.
Makers Takers - a widely known law usually invoked by a fouled player to stop some other cunt stealing his free kick or penalty
Yards - (aka "GIES YERDS YA FUD") claim made to ensure opponents retreat the full ten yards at set pieces. Also used when the ball rolls into hedges, bushes, flowers, massive puddles etc and a player wishes the opportunity to carefully dribble the ball back into play without causing masses of game-ruining destruction. Also used by utter cunts to try and claim free space to turn and shoot.
No' a full pitch - The response to the first case of the above, when it's not a full pitch. Used to claim entitlement to stand two feet away
Over the post - a classic controversy in the realm of jumpers-for-goalposts football. The defending team will claim this if the ball goes in anywhere within a yard of the jumperpost. See also:
Post and in - an attacking team can claim this for contentious efforts that are anywhere near the stack of bags and jumpers used as a goalpost. Success of the claim is largely down to the social standing of the claimant but also how spectacular the strike was. An attempted tap in will usually be dismissed for post and in, a twenty yard volleyed piledriver is usually rewarded with a goal thanks to a grudging lack of defence to the appeal from the conceding team.
Penner or goal?/Penalty or goal? - THE most arrogant rule in playground football and a logical trick: the team who scored a contentious (i.e. illegitimate) goal offers the defending team the option of conceding a goal or, ostensibly reasonably, a penalty despite neither being the correct outcome under FIFA's Laws of the Game. A team may play this card whenever a ball goes close to being over the outside of the post (see above).
Bar Height - used in Crossy, Pass & Shoot, or other games where shooting wide is in some way punished. Usually shots that are above the height of a regulation crossbar are exempt from penalisation so that players are safe to attempt 20 yard screamers on the volley from halfway. Bar Height claims are made for any shot which goes wide, but over knee height.
The dreaded goalie gloves - These items are never ever worn unless you're playing with one of those really hard rubber molded balls, but even then most people would rather endure severe stinging of the hands than put on the dreaded goalie gloves. One whiff of these rain water soaked, sweat encrusted hand protectors is enough to make you vomit. Wearing these is a mistake you only make once during school/playground football playing days, but the memories of the smell on your hands stays with you for a lifetime.
The Pitch - The pitch used in playground football can vary massively. First of all the surface depends on what is too hand. Common surfaces include the traditional gravel, concrete playground, the field at the back of the school, the posh kids fucking huge garden, the properly marked out full length pitch or any other relatively flat piece of ground big enough to accomodate at least 6 kids and as many as 100. The length of the pitch is usually as long as possible to allow for a free flowing nature to the game. The width of the pitch will usually only be limited by such things as walls and school buildings. This often results in two kids running about 200m away as one tries to skin the other.
The greatest football playing surface in the world is of course the local bowling green. Remember to have someone on park ranger watch at all times, and also remember to pick up your jumpers and coats before scarpering away from the chasing park ranger as having to return to reclaim your items mid-sprint will most likely see you captured. If it's an especially large park, you may encounter park rangers on bikes, these are much harder to escape, so well known and easily accessible escape routes are vital.
Goal Posts - If any suitable trees are to hand these will often be used to mark one post or, very rarely two trees will be roughly the correct distance for a set of playground goals in which case they will mark out both posts. Should there be a lack of trees then posts will be made out of participants extra layers of clothing. These posts will generally be at least 3ft wide and the source of much controversy whenever the ball goes over them with the goal keeper and striker both charting different trajectories for the ball. There is no set width between the goal posts as long as both sets of posts are lined up correctly. Other items that can provide useful playground posts include pipes, bins, doorways and steps. One particularly genius goalpost set that has been reported was one that was simply drawn onto a wall using a dirty wet tennis ball and redone so often that it became permanent. The most arrogant type of goalpost is undoubtedly a No Ball Games sign.
The Ball
Various types of balls are used, they are as follows:
the small size 3 balls - coca-cola ones for special cult value.
Soft rubber balls - more commonly known as 'floaters', these are the cheap option for kids who just want a casual kick around in the park. Notorious for reverse curl and being absolutely useless/hilarously unpredictable on windy days. These balls work best for Hits in a small enclosed space, with rebounds giving ample time to swing and hit stunning volleys. Also good for lobbing the keeper at cuppy.
Molded hard rubber balls - the football straight from hell. Wussier keepers will actually dive out of the way of this ball if its a really hard shot, rather than have to endure the severe stinging of the hands that any save will bring. Anyone who is hit full in the face by the ball will always burst into tears. Shorts a strict no-no when this ball is used.
New shiny ball - "dont fucking bounce it on the pavement it'll scratch it!" special treatment of new shiny balls normally lasts a few weeks, and during that time will only ever be used on grass. Once shiny new ball has enough scratches and marks, then you stop giving a shit and it just becomes a regular all surface ball.
Regular ball - The state inbetween 'new shiny ball' and 'rain sodden on its last legs ball'.
Rain sodden on its last legs ball - This patchless rain sodden mouldy black coloured ball is what playground football is all about. The keeper gets stinking hands when he saves it, anyone trying to control a high ball normally gets sliced open by stray bits of leather that are hanging off.
In its very final days the inner pigs bladder starts popping out causing random bounces and some top class goalkeeping howlers.
