Paul Gascoigne

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Paul Gascoigne

Dinked it over Colin Hendry's inept head, watched the ball, arrogantly ignored the goal and lashed it in. Then did the dentist's chair, soon copied by every impressionable 10 year old with a penchant for disrupting Cathay Pacific flights at sports clubs up and down the nation.

Lost when Jan Wouters broke his cheekbone.

Showed the referee the book.

Renowned player of the flute.

For some reason ended up drinking and becoming mates with total cunts Chris Evans and Danny Baker.

[[1]]

THAT SSN interview in full:

"I've stuck by me job for five or six weeks - I've done well. I'm going through a tough time, there's not a problem. I have counsel, I'm doing a new book. Yeah, I've said, since I broke me neck...nearly broke me neck...I've had tough times in my life.

"This last year's been tough, regardless me ex-wife, me ex-kids, everything...everything I've had to deal with to get better, with me neck, with everything, I was on death row, erm, pneumonia, everything...

"I've had everyone - Arsenal, Tottenham, Everton, Sir Awex Frerguson, Walter Smith, everyone helped me out to get through this year.

"George Best was a personal friend of mine...a personal friend...I lost a good friend and I had his son Calum Best called me and I told him (inaudible) his dad we both loved each other because we both know where we're coming from, me and George Best, regards getting hassled by the press.

"So what I had a double brandy...I tell you the truth, yeah, I had a double brandy before the game. Before it used to be four bottles of whiskey, it's not anymore. I had a double brandy before the game and that was it.

"He wants to do it his way, he wants to make up the allegations, he wants to make up the lies, let him do it. The fact is...I'll tell you the fact...and you's all listening...the fact is I would not pick his team - he's a control freak and that's it. And that's letting everyone know. I'll tell you one thing, I will not pick his team...I'll stick with my team...and I'll stick with my guns.

"And I've had the PFA, I've had the FA, I've had everyone on ma side. I'm doing the right thing - if that's not enough for everybody I don't know what is, but I tell you what, yeah, two years ago I woulda give in, I woulda give in two years ago but now I'm stronger and I'm the man. I'm a genius and I know what goes on on a football field. He's not a chairman, ha, he's not, he's in line with doctor.

"Forget about the next whoever, I'm Paul Gascoigne and I take charge of this club. The club is mine and I love the fans and I love the players and the players are behind me. So regards whatever they're saying...excuses...drink...this...whatever...me and Paul Davis and Andy Billingham have took this club forward so much it's unbelievable.

"I'm sacked, but I'm turning up...I'm sacked but I'm turning up. I'm sacked from, well, I'm not sacked. Endofday, I run the club, I run the club. I don't own it but I still do. Regardless, I said I would never walk away...from the next club I take on I won't walk away."


[edit] Injuries Haplessly Sustained in the Process of Fouling Others

  • Intended Victim: Gary Charles, Resultant Injury: ruptured cruciate ligaments
  • Intended Victim: The Pope, Resultant Injury: chronic alcoholism


[edit] Clubs where Gascoigne has failed spectacularly to resurrect his career

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