John Hartson

From ARFOPEDIA

Ginger, obese striker most famous for comprehensively sonning Eyal Berkovic on the training ground and inexplicably wearing shirt number 5 at Coventry City. These actions made him a cult hero at Coventry, with whom we pledged his loyalty by telling the fans that despite their relegation he wouldn't leave "even for Manchester United". He signed for Glasgow Celtic a few weeks later.

Has recently and tragically contracted cancer of the balls which was so virulent that it transported itself via the transfats in John's blood to his brain and lungs. Good luck son.