Creekit

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Creekit is a fine sport where England win :*) unless they are playing against a bunch of filthy unwashed bearded cheating suicide-bombing paki scum.

"Despite some games taking 5 days, it's almost always decided by who wins the toss at the start," is the kind of laughable nonsense losers who dont like creekit come out with. These people are to be avoided as they generally tend to be homosexuals with horse fetishes.

Contents

[edit] Great things about cricket

Even da biggest team can lose to little team, man. It a game, and da ball round.

[edit] Rules of creekit

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in, until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in, and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When both sides have been in and out, including the not outs, that's the end of the game.

If you hit the ball out of the garden, you're out. If you hit Mum's window basket, it's a 6. If you hit Mum, run.


[edit] Forms of the game

  • Test Cricket - The best version, 5 days of tension and drama.
  • 50 over Cricket - Less good version, but still watchable if test cricket is not avaliable.
  • Pro40 - Like 50 over cricket, but with less of the boring middle phase of the game.

[edit] Cult England players

[edit] Other CULT players

[edit] Ex-Cult England players

Philip Tufnell - now just a cunt

Ian Botham - chats huge amounts of bollocks.


[edit] Cheating

There have been many instances of cricketers breaking the rules throughout the sports history.

  • Ball tampering - Pakistan leading exponents of this in the 90s to bring about reverse swing. Michael Atherton was amusingly shit when he tried to do this in 1994 and was caught. N.B. Now that white people have learnt how to reverse swing an old ball ball tampering is no longer considered cheating.
  • Substitutes - England totally destroyed the spirit of creekit in the 2005 Ashes series by using substitutes when their players left the field in accordance with the rules of the game.
  • Causing gas explosions in the ground - another shocking example of underhand Pakistani cheating, whereby Shahid Afridi disgustingly planted bombs around the ground at Multan in 2005 and then while everyone was cowering in fear and eyeing passing muslims suspiciously, he drove a JCB across the middle of the strip.
  • Biased Umpiring - The most famous example of this ocurred during the 2005 ashes series when sometimes the Australians apppealed and the umpire didnt give the batsman out. This flew in the face of the spirit of the game.
  • Chucking - What happens when an asian bowls to a white man
  • Throwing jelly beans at Zaheer Kahn - this tends to backfire spectacularly.

[edit] Miscellaneous Arrogance

[edit] History of Cricket

  • 1877 Test Creekit invented by England
  • 1932/33 Bodyline, Australia lose
  • 1981 Ian Botham bastards the aussies at Headingley
  • 1994 9/57
  • 2001 Graeme Hick plays his last test match
  • 2002 Mark Ramprakash plays his last test match
  • 2004 7/12
  • 2005 England win The Ashes
  • 2006 Geraint Jones plays his last test match, surely.
  • 2009 England regain The Ashes
  • 2010/11 England retain The Ashes, beating the Australians by an innings on three occasions.

[edit] Greatest Test Matches

The Oval 2003 - England v South Africa, 5th Test

Going into the final match of the series 2-1 down, the England selectors finally bought themselves a clue and recalled left handed genius Graham Thorpe for the first time since his wife started being a slut. South africa won the toss and batted first, England smugly letting them believe they had batted us out of the game with a daunting first innings total of 484. Thorpe and Tresco then duly set to work sonning the South African attack all over the ground, with Freddie Flintoff really rubbing it in late on to give the home side a lead of just over 100.

In the 2nd innings South Africa were so inept even Martin Bicknell managed to get himself 4 wickets and England were left with an easy run chase to square the series and give legend Alec Stewart a fitting finale to his test career.

Since this match England have gone on to rule the world, losing only one series in that time - away to Sri Lanka, which doesnt count cause their best player is a chucker

Since this report was written England have gone on to not win 3 series in a row. Again though, these were all against asians who most certainly were cheating so once more they dont really count


The Oval 1994 - England v South Africa, 3rd Test

3 days of perfectly fine but ultimately nondescript Test Cricket were played and then Devon Malcolm took 9 wickets


Edgbastion 2005 - England v Australia, 2nd test

McGrath steps on ball. England score at 5 runs per over on the first day. Giles causes three Australian batsmen to hang themselves on the second day. Flintoff's shoulder falls off early on the third day, ignoring this he pompously hits Lee a mile over long on before bowling the over of his life to remove Langer and Ponting. Giles inflicts another two hangings. Warne, Lee and Kasprowicz decide to make things exciting on the last day, before Harmison rips Kasper out. Benaud delivers his last good commentary line: "JONES ! BOWDEN !". The end.

Johannesburg 1995 - South Africa v England, 2nd Test

South Africa battered England for the first three days, so much so that come the final innings, England had been left the tast of batting out nearly two days to save the match. In addition, England were batting with only 9 batsmen, thanks to the inclusion of Graeme Hick (6 & 4) and Mark Ramprakash (4 & 0).

England's inning had two sizeable partnerships on the 4th day. The first was between Michael Atherton and Alec Stewart (75). The second was between Michael Atherton and Graham Thorpe (59). Even with these, they ended the day on 167/4.

The final day has gone into cricketing legend. Atherton heroically batted all day. He was aided in this effort by two players, Robin Smith and Jack Russell. The match ended with England on 351-5, with Atherton having batted 643 minutes for his not out 185 and Russell having batted for 274 minutes for his not out 29, at one point having the arrogance to not score for two hours before battering an on-drive for four. Russell, having broken the world record for dismissals for a wicketkeeper in a test match, shared the man of the match award with Atherton.

The Oval 2006 - England v Pakistan, 4th Test

England make history by coming back from a 331 deficit in the first innings to heroically win the test and clinch a 3-0 series win. This is the highest ever 1st innings deficit to be overturned since Test Cricket began

Adelaide 2010 - Australia v England, 2nd Test

England absolutely BASTARD Australia. At Adelaide.

[edit] Worst Test Matches

Adelaide 2006 - Australia v England, 2nd Test

England dominate the first 2 days with Paul Collingwood and Kevin Pietersen dismissing everyone. Australia are then struggling on the third day when Ashley Giles of all people drops that rat faced cunt Ponting :*( Even then the final day starts with a draw the clear favourite, but the England batsmen decide to choke and Australia win, the fucking cunts.

[edit] Lists

A list of good England cricket players from the 90's

A list of shit England cricket players from the 90's

A list of shit England players from the 00's

Channel 4 cricket commentary team

Sky cricket commentary team

Test match grounds

Countries that play test cricket

[edit] Famous quotes

"He just failed to get his leg over"

"That's gone straight into the confectionery stall and out again"

"That means I can drive a flock of sheep through the town centre, drink for free in no less than 64 pubs, and get a lift home with a policemen when I become inebriated. What more could you want?"

"I've got the Super Series in two weeks' time. I can't think of anything worse."

"Mind the windows Tino!"

"Can you put some lights on the bails, I can't see who I'm bowling at!"

"JONES! BOWDEN!"

"Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

"You guys are history."

"Your conduct today as captain of your country has been an absolute disgrace."

"Oh it's a shambles!"

"Bowling Ashley Giles!"

"Show me in the rule book!"

"Oh ho ho ho! Unlucky! Unlucky you Aussies!"

"I definitely believe if any of our batsmen get out to Giles in the Tests they should go and hang themselves. But I'm confident that won't happen."

"The batsman's Holding; the bowler's Willey."

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