Bulldogs
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Contents |
[edit] Origins
Contrary to popular belief, God actually required eight days to create the earth, for it was on the eighth day that bulldogs, a hybrid of oxen and dog, were created in order to protect the Garden of Eden and maintain the natural order.
[edit] Character
During the bronze age, the bulldogs exhibited characteristics such as kindness and generosity. Co-existing peacefully with dinosaurs, they helped to build and maintain the second most famous empire ever, the Roman Empire. However, relations soon turned frosty after the dinosaurs imposed import quotas on the favourite luxury of the bulldogs, cigars. Tensions heightened drastically after moves by the dinosaurs to outlaw poker, and war naturally followed. During the 2 minutes between 20:17 and 20:19 on December 25th 42BC, the bulldogs introduced the dinosaurs to extinction and removed their license to live. The bulldogs went on to instruct God to remove all mentions of dinosaurs from the bible as a permanent reminder to any potential enemies. Germany famously went on to forget this reminder during World War 2 when the bulldog spirit of England triumphed.
[edit] Present day
Today, the bulldogs continue in their role of protecting paradise, the most important of their functions being that of deciding which animals are to become extinct. This task has recently been threatened by homosexual activist groups such as Greenpeace and PETA. After recent attempts by activists to save the Chinese Panda, an animal set aside for extinction, the bulldogs retired to their laboratory from which they would invent and later unleash SARS as a punishment. An animal of class however, the bulldogs show empathy to most humans and conduct most of their attacks against activists underground. Most activists of decades gone by have now been shipped to the north pole, where they exist as eskimos permanently threatened by popular myth and co-creation of bulldogs and God, global warming.
Beyond terminating beefs, the influence of bulldogs still pervades all levels of society and many choose to pay homage to the bulldog by handing out appropriate names to their children. Examples include Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, Steve Bull and Dave Pug. Others choose to apply bulldog tattoos to their person, after gaining permission. Celebrities that currently hold a license to bear a bulldog tattoo include Fred DineNage, me and the Queen
[edit] Contributions
- implementing chip-and-pin technology
- coining the phrase "bitch please"
- inspiring England to victory in two world wars and one world cup
- founding the now popular subject, thuganomics
- devising a game with the sole premise being violence - British bulldog
- inventing stunts
[edit] Props
Many have issued shoutouts as a testament to the character of the bulldog. Here are a select few:
- "tic toc never the glock, just some nuts and a cock" - Snoop Dogg paying respect to the nature of the bulldog in a fight, always fair.
Snoop Dogg contines to pay homage to the bulldog in each of his songs
- "laid the bitch out, then I put it in her mouth; pulled out, nutted on a towel and passed out" - Dr. Dre tipping his hat to one of the bulldog's favourite pastimes.
- "BARK BARK, yea uh yea GGRRRRRRRRRRRRR yea uh GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR don't get it twisted!?!" - DMX showing his appreciation in the form of imitation.
Further to these perennial characteristics, it must not be forgotten that bulldogs are forced to give birth by c-section. The excessive arrogance simply cannot fit through the birth canal.
Due to these characteristics, many institutions choose to adopt the bulldog as their mascot in an attempt to claim greatness. These institutions include:
- University of Georgia
- Yale University
- The Citadel
- California State University, Fresno
- Georgetown University
- Louisiana Tech
- Texas Lutheran University
- University of Redlands
- University of Puerto Rico at Mayaguez
- Mack Trucks
- U.S. Marine Corps
- The WWF tag-team, The British Bulldogs
